A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 48 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul Harvey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 22 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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