When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Margaret Thatcher. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you see anybody this week who looks like Bob Dylan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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