Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alicia Silverstone and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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