Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 4, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 87 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bill Clinton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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