Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 51, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Dick Van Dyke will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid the number 45 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 15, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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