Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 14, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Bill Gates will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 81 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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