Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st August 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Harry Houdini, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Friday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Paul McCartney, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michael J. Fox. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Should you wear green on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A man connected with the number 1 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A man connected with the number 48 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The number 66 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2026

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Avoid the number 20 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The number 87 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 56, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.