The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug
July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. On Thursday, the number 87 will signify bad news...unless it's the number @number@ in which case it will be really bad news.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd May 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug
July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Pablo Piccaso will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
December 2nd - February 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug
July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Pablo Piccaso will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Tom Hanks driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 9 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 97 feet, but no more than a mile. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
December 2nd - February 19th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Tom Hanks driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 9 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 97 feet, but no more than a mile. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th May 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug
July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Tom Cruise will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bill Clinton in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
December 2nd - February 19th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug
July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Tom Cruise will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bill Clinton in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd May 2011
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like William F. Buckley, Jr. will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug
July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like William F. Buckley, Jr. will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug
July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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