Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd May 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism.  You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Pablo Piccaso will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.