Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th May 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. On Thursday, the number 87 will signify bad news...unless it's the number @number@ in which case it will be really bad news.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.