Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th May 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug
July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Tom Cruise will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bill Clinton in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.