Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Tom Hanks driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 9 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 97 feet, but no more than a mile. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.