Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Mr. Rogers, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take extra special care on Tuesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 82 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 76, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Whoopi Goldberg will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Something about the number 23 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The number 37 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.