Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.