Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 76, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Whoopi Goldberg will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.