Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like John Travolta will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 29 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.