Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet William James and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 13 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.