Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th January 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. On Sunday, the color orange, the number 26 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Fred Astaire, Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 65, the color white and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like C. G. Jung. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.