Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 62 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.