Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd January 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Willey Mays, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like James Taylor. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A man connected with the number 39 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Meryl Streep at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 52 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.