Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th June 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet David Beckham and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Herman Cain, Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 31 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.