The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Napoleon. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelle Bachman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Monday, July 23, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd July 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 79 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 12. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 79 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 12. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th July 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jack Nicholson driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Julia Child, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jack Nicholson driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Julia Child, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th July 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Sean Connery. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 55 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Sean Connery. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 55 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd July 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 2. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 33 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Andy Rooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bob Hope, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 2. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 33 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Andy Rooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bob Hope, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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