Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th July 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jack Nicholson driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Julia Child, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.