Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd July 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 79 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 12. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.