Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd July 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 2. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 33 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Andy Rooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bob Hope, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.