Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th July 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Sean Connery. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The number 55 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 93. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 5 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.