Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th July 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Napoleon. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelle Bachman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.