Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A man connected with the number 25 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
On Tuesday, the number 8 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.