Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 5, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. The number 1 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dick Van Dyke, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like F Lee Bailey, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The number 93 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John Candy, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henry A. Kissinger in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The number 19 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Should you wear yellow on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 20, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Should you wear white on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 55 feet, but no more than a mile. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.