Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John Candy, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henry A. Kissinger in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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