Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 20, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Should you wear white on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 55 feet, but no more than a mile. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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