You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dick Van Dyke, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like F Lee Bailey, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The number 93 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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