Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The number 19 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you wear yellow on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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