Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Napoleon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charlie Brown will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. In a parallel universe you were born as Bill Cosby. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Columbus and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not C. G. Jung at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bill Cosby, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Something about the number 49 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd August 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Louis Pasteur. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The number 0 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.