If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Something about the number 49 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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