You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Louis Pasteur. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The number 0 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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