A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Columbus and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Vos Savant, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not C. G. Jung at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Bill Cosby, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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