Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charlie Brown will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. In a parallel universe you were born as Bill Cosby. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The number 88 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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