Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th May 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The number 55 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Charles Everett Koop driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd May 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Walt Disney and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Should you wear yellow on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Billy Crystal, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th May 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Michael J. Fox. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 52, the color purple and someone who has a connection to John F. Kennedy, Jr. will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th May 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Alicia Silverstone, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st May 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you see anybody this week who looks like Susan B. Anthony, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 52 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 42 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h