Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. The number 87 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Herman Cain, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The number 17 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 71 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are not Mahatma Gandhi, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 68 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Columbus and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something about the number 45 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd July 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michele Pfeiffer. Does this matter? Only time will tell. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Fred Astaire and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jimmy Conners, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something about the number 87 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. On Saturday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

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