Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st July 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A man connected with the number 12 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 19. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A man connected with the number 93 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The number 31 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Sigourney Weaver, The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 56 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Sunday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

The number 17 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Walt Disney, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h