A pretty young woman connected to the number 36 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michael J. Jordan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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