A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Carrie Fisher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The number 45 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid the number 20 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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