You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear pink on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 15, the color red and someone who has a connection to Bob Dylan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Sigourney Weaver, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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