Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul McCartney, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You are not Bob Newhart, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Avoid the number 76 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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