There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A pretty young woman connected to the number 6 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Spider Man, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Bob Newhart will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Darth Vader a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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