Sunday, July 26, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 97. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record will be rejected. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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