Sunday, November 15, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Beware an advance from a limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug
July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 66 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A pretty young woman connected to the number 70 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

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