Sunday, November 22, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You might know of a slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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