Sunday, July 4, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th July 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 60 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Eddie Murphy. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

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